Bittersweet ~ Authentic ~ Inspiring
zina mercil
  • Home
  • About
  • Blog
  • #JazzHands
  • Psychotherapy
    • Theoretical Orientation
    • Modalities
    • Professional Identity
    • Diversity, Inclusivity, Community
    • Contemplative Practice
    • Where's my Practice?
  • Speaking
    • Speaking Engagements
  • Contact

Being busy: My addiction.

3/17/2016

10 Comments

 
I look at my iCal calendar on my computer, all organized in bright vibrant color-coded blocks of time from 5:30a to 10p each day, to-dos at the top of each day at least 10 long and I choke on my inhale. Slow down. Breathe. Have patience.
 
But I should know better.
 
A few weeks ago I was doing better. I had days, whole days, that had nothing written on them… well actually, maybe one day. And, well, really that was in December. No, wait, in February I had 3 days off! Good job. Okay, well actually it was because I got the flu and couldn’t go to the 3 day training I was supposed to be at. I remember feeling so relieved I had a 102 degree fever so that I could take those days off to be at home. What’s wrong with this picture? 
 
I am exhausted. My liver aches. One thing gets added to my schedule unexpectedly and I feel overwhelmed, like I’m going to throw up, like I want to hide forever from the world and let go of all responsibilities. But I can’t, I’m committed,.  I did this to myself. 
 
My alarm clock goes off at 4:30am again.
 
I’m making myself sick by being busy. Being busy is my addiction.
 
And right now I’m relapsing. I’m consciously watching myself do my addiction, feeling powerless to stop it. Like I’m a victim of my calendar and all the things I have said “yes” to. Feeling like I need to do all these things in order to cope with what’s going on in my personal life, to cope with not wanting to feel. I’m too busy to have time to feel. How convenient.
 
And the world says: you’re amazing that you can do all of that, it’s inspiring. And I’m justified. Validated. Empowered. To keep doing my addiction. To "get shit done." To use my calendar to avoid living my life.
 
And then I’m fatigued. I’m exhausted. My abdomen aches.
 
You know better. This is how you got sick in the first place. Change your lifestyle. You have to.  And I judge myself. And my alarm goes off at 4:30a again.
 
STOP.  Just stop... Slow down sweet girl. You pace is dizzying, running around in a circle. Listen deep within. Grown up Zina has you now, and is rocking you. It’s okay. Just feel. Feel your precious heart and this moment of life that will not come back again. Who do you want to be when you grow up into this moment? Who do you want to be with? How does that time look, feel, and taste? Don’t miss your life.
 
Sometimes we relapse on our own toxic behavior. Even when we know our lives and health depend on us staying sober. And we suffer as we watch ourselves. And it’s okay… hand on heart, breath in belly. I caught myself sooner this time. I see my pain and frustration. I’m going to be okay, and I’m moving in the right direction.
 
I look at my calendar, start taking out blocks of color, make a few phone calls, sigh into the blank spaces. Alarm goes off at 7a.
 
I can choose to be busy, but less busy, and be aware and awake. I can have self-compassion. I can feel a little. I can be in community. I can do the counter-cultural thing. I can say yes, but also no. I can change. I can honor my health.
 
Does any of this feel true for you? Comment below:
10 Comments
Barb K
3/17/2016 07:04:25 pm

Great blog, Zina. I can so identify!

Reply
Zina
3/18/2016 09:38:35 am

Thank you... Thought there might be a few other people out there that could resonate! Z

Reply
Kurt S
3/18/2016 12:01:12 am

Not the 4:30 alarm or the packed calendar. But I can choose to simplify my life, or even a few days of the week. Today I will only work on two things, but do them well, and take time to care for me. It feels refreshing and healthy to simplify.

Reply
Zina
3/18/2016 09:39:50 am

I agree that there is some kind of bliss in doing one thing, in the present moment, mindfully and fully. Thank you for adding this! Z

Reply
Becki Rupp
3/19/2016 03:55:01 pm

Right there with you my friend - thanks for the reminder to slow down and breathe!

Reply
Zina
3/19/2016 10:56:04 pm

Thanks for the resonance... Wishing all of us who struggle the wisdom of our own breath! Z

Reply
Sarah Leversee link
3/21/2016 10:52:00 am

I can definitely relate to avoiding my feelings by staying busy - avoiding loneliness and longing by feeling so busy and important. We live in a cult of busy - where if you aren't as busy as the next person you aren't doing ENOUGH, you aren't important ENOUGH, you are LAZY. Quieting those hollering voices and listening to your own is so damn difficult. xoxox

Reply
Zina
3/21/2016 01:55:50 pm

Cult of busy... love that! Totally going to use it too! And how it all relates to us living in time and value scarcity rather than abundance. Thanks for also diving into the f-ing hard and vulnerable journey. Appreciating you... XO

Reply
Veronique link
3/23/2016 08:49:44 am

Yes, I know this place very very well too. It's such a good addiction to blend in with our cultural norms. I love how you "caught yourself sooner this time." That's how I've often found myself slowly recovering too. And in a way that hold compassion for the pull.

Reply
Zina
3/23/2016 05:08:27 pm

Right, always interesting when culture supports what I view to be toxic behavior when used unconsciously, as I did for so many years (and even now!). Thank you for the encouragement around recovery with compassion... slowly but slowly... XO Z

Reply

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Author

    Zina is a body-oriented psychotherapist, passionate about using her own experience of life-altering medical setbacks to inspire others to look at the meaning and interpretation of illness, and everyday life.

    ABOUT THIS BLOG

    Here’s the deal: I’m going to share parts of my experience, and you get to ask yourself the question “Does this feel true for me?” If it adds some humor, insight, or inspiration for your life situation, and I truly hope it does, then great! If it doesn’t, that’s okay too- just take what may be meaningful and let go of the rest. We’re both similar in our humanity, and unique in our experiences. There's room for it all. 
     
    (Though I am a LPCC therapist in the State of Colorado, this blog is not to be taken as direct mental health or medical advice. Please consult your mental health and/or medical professionals with any questions pertaining to your specific situation.)

    other blogs

    I also am honored to be a regular contributor for the following sites:

    Project Athena Foundation

    The Mighty 

    Archives

    November 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015

    Categories

    All
    Being
    Being Seen
    Be Real
    Birthday
    Breathe
    Busy
    Change
    Choice
    Data
    Dating
    Diagnosis
    Freedom
    Grief
    Hospital
    Human
    Identity
    Illness
    Inspiration
    #Jazzhands
    Mantra
    New Year
    Past
    Patterns
    Present
    Relationship
    Time
    Tough Times
    Vulnerable
    Who Am I Now?

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.