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zina mercil
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candles. 

2/10/2016

2 Comments

 
I look at the candles on my cake, flickering and imbedded in chocolate.
 
Turning 35 feels like turning 15, and, I hear, like turning 75. Some things change, some don’t. Illness makes us feel the passing of time differently, don’t you think? If time is the dialectic of past and future helping us feel the tension of the present moment, then a birthday is the dialectic of birth and death… the anticipation and palpable tension in the room as you inhale before the candle is blown out. Inhale.
 
My mom put 34+1 on my cake… a “3” candle, and a “4” candle, and then a single striped candle to make 35. It was hilarious to me in its absurdity. There was definitely a whole year, exactly five years ago, that the toxicity in my bloodstream was so high that I didn’t commit much to memory. Fuzzy. When I think back on it it’s like I’m looking through a pair of glasses that have been smudged for 3 years without being cleaned.  I remember telling my therapist at the time that I had “lost a year of my life.” She told me that “important work was being done” in that year, more than in any other year prior. I hated her for that. For trying to put a silver lining on my grief. Now I know what she said was true. That was a cocoon year. 34 + 1.
 
My wishes this year I realize are the complete opposite experience of that fuzzy year. Don’t tell anyone I told you, but I’m wishing for a continued experience of health, relationship, and awareness, at a pace that is sustainable and inspiring! And also to change the world. Wish.
 
Time lights candles, and blows them out, until there are no more. Exhale. The future continues to arrive. A future of inhales, wishes, and exhales. Of our friend/enemy time. Of +1s. And, ideally, of not missing a stinking minute.

2 Comments
Veronique link
2/9/2016 02:52:51 pm

Happy Happy Birthday - with all that it entails and all the potential it brings for a fresh new year :-). Wishing you many more inhales xoxo

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Zina
2/10/2016 12:21:11 am

Thank you so very much Veronique... for the wishes, support, and breath! XO

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    Zina is a body-oriented psychotherapist, passionate about using her own experience of life-altering medical setbacks to inspire others to look at the meaning and interpretation of illness, and everyday life.

    ABOUT THIS BLOG

    Here’s the deal: I’m going to share parts of my experience, and you get to ask yourself the question “Does this feel true for me?” If it adds some humor, insight, or inspiration for your life situation, and I truly hope it does, then great! If it doesn’t, that’s okay too- just take what may be meaningful and let go of the rest. We’re both similar in our humanity, and unique in our experiences. There's room for it all. 
     
    (Though I am a LPCC therapist in the State of Colorado, this blog is not to be taken as direct mental health or medical advice. Please consult your mental health and/or medical professionals with any questions pertaining to your specific situation.)

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