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zina mercil
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Endings.

9/3/2016

8 Comments

 
I don’t want to write this. I have the title at the top of my page and stare at it blankly each time I open up my computer, refusing to type a word. Ending. Yuck.
 
I’ve been wrapped up, consumed, overwhelmed with transition, completion, saying goodbye. I’m terrified and sad.
 
I just keep soothing myself; my adult self telling my scared child self that I’m going to be okay.
 
It’s dry and warm. I can feel my lower lip slightly chapped, as I wet it with my tongue. I am the last one to board the plane, my feet feel like lead as the slowly carry me forward, my breath is a mystery. I sit in my seat, hot, cold, not sure. My body remembers this feeling, it is the same before every medical procedure, every potentially challenging conversation, every final _________ . The anticipation of the unknown.
 
I call my Mom… she’s emotionally stranded in the main terminal, not able to leave either. I’ll be the one who has to leave. I’m always the one who leaves… an interesting role I’ve chosen.
 
The plane takes off and tears roll down my face. I don’t wear sunglasses. People in community can learn to tolerate the discomfort of emotion. I’m trying to do so with my own. This feeling of crying without anyone noticing or responding feels familiar.
 
I have gone through major transitions before in my life, many times actually. Many big moves, endings of relationships, and new adventures. This is different. Exhale. Tear. Because this time I’m feeling. In the past I stuffed down my emotions, pushed them forcefully away without even knowing I was doing it. I’m pretty sure I would have imploded at the time if I hadn’t. Our bodies are smart.
 
But now, apparently I have “skills” and can handle the gut-wrenching feelings associated with the grief and loss of saying goodbye to the world as I know it. To choose on purpose to shake up my life and delve into the unfamiliar in hopes of health and impact. Of staying awake and feeling through it all, because this is human. The pain at razor’s edge with the excitement and potential of what it will be like to step off this airplane and be bombarded with humidity, plumaria, and salt-water.
 
And I want you to know, that I will miss you. That you have changed me by being my friend, my inspiration, my reader, my illness, my hard mountain earth. That now our relationship will change because we are constantly becoming different people, and my life experiences are about to be vastly altered. And I have so much sadness, as well as so much excitement for what that will look like! 
 
We want to go unconscious during the ending, but this is the time to feel our humanity. The suffering and the joy only exist because of each other.

Wishing you all the gift of feeling through the many endings. It's worth it, to create space for the beginnings. Exhale.
8 Comments
Kurt! link
9/3/2016 09:41:11 am

Circles don't have endings. Nor beginnings. I must on the one hand challenge the frame of your title. "The Adventure Continues!" might have been better. Though also having "skills" I must try and empathize with the depth of the feelings you had that seemed like endings. I am sorry this transition hurt more than others. Hopefully that just means the next adventure is better than others. And clearly you found they do have interwebs there too! Viva Zina!

Reply
Zina
9/3/2016 11:37:52 am

Kurt~ Thank you for what you said here. Yes, I agree about circles, and I appreciate your challenge. But circles are different than cycles. For me, cycles do have endings, and they hurt, and that's okay. If we can honor the ending we have more space for the beginning. If we can feel the ending, we can feel the beginning. This is actually what I love about endings is that they intensify everything, and make you realize what is important and potent, and where and how to invest your energy in the next beginning. I think if we miss the ending by saying it doesn't exist we miss a lot of potential. I do feel like, for me, this is a big ending. My life and relationships will never be this way again. And just because it hurts does not mean it's bad. There are threads that continue, thank goodness! But some things have ended and will be different now. And I'm super excited about how "the adventure continues!" Big hug! Z

Reply
Wendy cohen
9/4/2016 07:11:27 am

I love this...I learned some time ago that going around your pain and feelings can only serve you for so long. Going directly through these feelings is the way I choose to live my life. I want to feel all of it. To grow and evolve and to become a more engaged human, we need to feel. Without feeling all of it, how can we ever truly relate to others in our life? It is a hard journey, but so worth it. Cheers to you for moving forward eyes wide open. Sending my love.

Reply
Zina
9/4/2016 11:14:38 am

Wendy! I can feel our resonance on this one, to feel all the feelings to be more human, and I appreciate your words and your own description of what this means for you. Hope you are very well - love right back! XO

Reply
Julia
9/4/2016 12:46:44 pm

As always Zina I admire your courage! I will miss you! I am jealous of al the people who get to meet you! I remember so well when I first met you! Sara and I were blown away by you! "Even YOU will like her, and you don't like anyone" haha! Good luck!! ❤️❤️

Reply
Zina
9/4/2016 02:49:04 pm

Haha, thank you for the well wishes and the humor Julia! XO

Reply
Ken
9/20/2016 11:59:32 pm

So many questions... Where are you going? Plumaria is native to Central and South America. Are you going to the latter or former? Is this permanent? Is it work related or for some treatment? Please elaborate.

Reply
Zina
9/22/2016 10:08:15 pm

Hi there! I know I've gotten several questions from you and others regarding this over the months, so I'll share that I'm in Hawaii now for work permanently. Best. Z

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    Zina is a body-oriented psychotherapist, passionate about using her own experience of life-altering medical setbacks to inspire others to look at the meaning and interpretation of illness, and everyday life.

    ABOUT THIS BLOG

    Here’s the deal: I’m going to share parts of my experience, and you get to ask yourself the question “Does this feel true for me?” If it adds some humor, insight, or inspiration for your life situation, and I truly hope it does, then great! If it doesn’t, that’s okay too- just take what may be meaningful and let go of the rest. We’re both similar in our humanity, and unique in our experiences. There's room for it all. 
     
    (Though I am a LPCC therapist in the State of Colorado, this blog is not to be taken as direct mental health or medical advice. Please consult your mental health and/or medical professionals with any questions pertaining to your specific situation.)

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