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zina mercil
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Marrow.

5/27/2016

6 Comments

 
Noun.
  • Marrow- the fatty network of connective tissue that fills the cavities of bones
  • Marrow- the most essential or most vital part of some idea or experience
 
Bone marrow biopsy
Bore out my vitality in a thread
Cherry red on the petri dish
The pain is excruciating
I don’t want you to see my most essential part
Taking a microscope to look at my essence
 
One more “first”
Anticipation of pain
A needle to my center
Owwww!
Sucks the heart
Leaves an absence
Deep aching left in the wake
 
It is a violation.
Perhaps the cavities of my bones will reveal
my pith to be altered
Maybe you will see
That I’m not at my core who you think I am
All pretenses and projections will be blown
 
The truth will be revealed
Perhaps it will be a relief, I don’t have to act any longer
You’ll see I’m broken, less-than, deformed, mutated, or otherwise not normal
And I’ll have to stop pretending.
Perhaps it will be my next greatest challenge, and I’ll have to show up even more
You’ll see I’m clear, resilient, scaffolded, filled with super-cells ready for action
And I’ll have to stop pretending.
 
Relief has many forms.
The line between positive and negative degrades to truth
This is more complex than results on paper
Because it is comprised of experience
 
The results will mean nothing/everything
They tell me and everyone else who I am
Yet say nothing about my hopes, desires, and capacity to love.
A life lived anchored in marrow.
 
I often wonder if I am strong enough for what I want to accomplish in this life
And now some of that strength will be removed
And then it will grow back fiercer
With renewed vigor
Intensely recommitted to being vital
To living out it’s impact and purpose
Perhaps I should say thank you
Thank you for removing a burdened cross-section
So that resolved vitality can replace it

 
 
With one more part of me removed… who am I now? 
6 Comments
Barb K
5/27/2016 08:48:35 am

Your post is breathtakingly powerful! Sending you love and good thoughts as always 💕

Reply
Zina
5/27/2016 03:07:07 pm

Thank you for your continued resonance and support. XO

Reply
Sarah
5/27/2016 09:20:25 am

another beautiful piece. you *are* strong enough - the vulnerability and courage in this piece proves that. sending much love.

Reply
Zina
5/27/2016 03:09:04 pm

Vulnerability and courage... Thank you for those words. And is love to offer those same words back to you. XO

Reply
Susan
5/28/2016 12:11:35 pm

This speaks so beautifully to our tenacity and resolve to live our lives the best way we are able. Once again, thank you for your honesty!

Reply
Zina
5/29/2016 06:54:35 am

Thank you! We certainly all do our best with trying situations, and to be in community through them.

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    Author

    Zina is a body-oriented psychotherapist, passionate about using her own experience of life-altering medical setbacks to inspire others to look at the meaning and interpretation of illness, and everyday life.

    ABOUT THIS BLOG

    Here’s the deal: I’m going to share parts of my experience, and you get to ask yourself the question “Does this feel true for me?” If it adds some humor, insight, or inspiration for your life situation, and I truly hope it does, then great! If it doesn’t, that’s okay too- just take what may be meaningful and let go of the rest. We’re both similar in our humanity, and unique in our experiences. There's room for it all. 
     
    (Though I am a LPCC therapist in the State of Colorado, this blog is not to be taken as direct mental health or medical advice. Please consult your mental health and/or medical professionals with any questions pertaining to your specific situation.)

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