Bittersweet ~ Authentic ~ Inspiring
zina mercil
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see me.

4/30/2016

6 Comments

 
Picture
Today I want to celebrate. And the truth is, I’m too exhausted. Too tired to celebrate or feel satisfied. I have crawled across some make-believe finish line of the past month, which has left me tattered and torn, strewn on the ground reaching for a cup of water.
 
In the fantasy of my mind I thought I’d be standing on a podium of my own achievement, medal in hand, adoring crowd. Everyone aware of what I’ve accomplished and done. Oh, doesn’t that feel good? I can feel the perfect beam of sunlight landing on my face now, lighting me up, and I’m able to take it all in. (In this scenario I think my skin is even sparkling a bit, like one of those vampires, and also I have a dress made out of fire, like in Hunger Games.) So magnificent. My glory moment of surviving the last month. It’s what I deserve, to be seen.
 
But unfortunately, there’s no podium, no medal, no crowd. I feel like I just pulled back the curtain to see that the wizard is actually just human. I’m just human. And no one seems to notice. In the scenario of what feels like reality I’m standing on 5th avenue in NYC asking for food, and everyone passes me by without looking, cold, grey, uncaring.
 
Let me make this clear- this is not the glory moment I wanted. I’ve been trained for awards and applause, sparkles and fire. And instead it feels like I’m getting a broken wizard and grey blah.
 
In truth, today, my glory moment is unexpectedly quiet. I’m being offered time alone to celebrate, quietly, with myself. I’m the only one who really knows what I’ve survived this past month. And I’m the only one who can truly see it. Sigh.
 
2 times in the hospital
Medical bills that make my head spin
One job I work, to have health insurance, that kills my soul a little each time I go there
A doctors appointment with great news!
And foreshadowing of more challenging procedures to come
3 presentations at major conferences, one at a university
Talking about things I hold so dearly to my heart…
Illness, burnout, self-care…
Feeling like a hypocrite… well, actually, I’m human and learning just like everyone else
More hours spent with my person than I could’ve hoped possible
Quality time with family and friends
A brave decision to give myself more space and time by lowering a commitment
Feeling broken, filled back up, broken, full, broken, full…
The brilliance of a fleeting moment being in the present
 
And yet, it’s not enough, not enough…not enough.
 
I want more, more, more… I want someone to see me! Don't you? I want the crowd! I want people to really know what I’ve gone through, as if they were somehow me. Who really get it. To tell me they’re proud of me. Oh, I feel how I crave it.
 
But the truth is, it does not matter who sees me, if I can’t see myself. And also, that I’m the only one who will really know what it’s like to be me. If I can’t breathe, take in the joy and the pain of surviving another month in this body, in this lifetime, no one else is going to be able to make me feel that. I get to do this for myself. 
 
So I accept what is right before me. A day of personal silence and quiet, to tell myself that I’ve done so well. To sleep in, meditate, write… do some movement, eat my favorite foods. To tuck in with a cup of tea, and say, dear one, I’m so proud of you.
 
And as I do this, I realize all the people that have actually told me this over the past month. But I couldn’t hear it yet, because I hadn’t told myself. I needed to believe it first. If I didn’t believe in myself first, no one else is going to be able to say it in a way that I could believe it.
 
We need to see ourselves first before we can take the good stuff in from anyone else.

​And, don't worry, I totally get it, seeing ourselves for our accomplishments can be the hardest thing.
 
So today, would you be willing to try to say: hey self, good job! To see yourself, just about one little thing. I know you did something worth being seen for… getting out of bed, organizing a closet… Maybe it feels funny, or fake, but I’ll try it with you. We can tell ourselves together, okay? Because when we see ourselves, then we can let it in more from everyone else too.

6 Comments
Quana Madison (Rochelle) link
5/1/2016 08:17:26 am

Zina I see you! Thank you for seeing me too! What you shared describes so much of my feelings too that many don't understand. Your analogy about being a homeless person begging for food but people see you but invisibilize you...because we represent or are showing some of the real raw life experiences of being human. And I agree with you too about how we need to see ourselves. That has been a big part of my passage and continues to be. Love you soul sister. Keep writing! I will too. Ps..I signed up for your blog. So I look forward to future posts when you are rested and ready to share, I will be waiting and reading what you write.

Reply
Zina
5/1/2016 03:42:25 pm

Quana~ Thank you for sharing your words of resonance here... These are interesting paths and passages we find ourselves in. Love ourselves and love each other- thank you for doing both. I look forward to sharing more and hearing your wisdom. Big XO

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Molly Magdalain link
5/1/2016 08:43:04 am

so true!!!!

Reply
Zina
5/1/2016 03:40:18 pm

Thank you Molly! XO

Reply
Scott Bolt link
5/1/2016 08:46:11 pm

Yes Zina. Just yes. It is very hard to adjust after the applause goes away. YOU have to find the reason to keep going, to keep fighting. It comes from within, rather than from without. :)

Reply
Zina
5/1/2016 10:44:38 pm

Exactly. Continued love to us on our journeys with this one! XO

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    Author

    Zina is a body-oriented psychotherapist, passionate about using her own experience of life-altering medical setbacks to inspire others to look at the meaning and interpretation of illness, and everyday life.

    ABOUT THIS BLOG

    Here’s the deal: I’m going to share parts of my experience, and you get to ask yourself the question “Does this feel true for me?” If it adds some humor, insight, or inspiration for your life situation, and I truly hope it does, then great! If it doesn’t, that’s okay too- just take what may be meaningful and let go of the rest. We’re both similar in our humanity, and unique in our experiences. There's room for it all. 
     
    (Though I am a LPCC therapist in the State of Colorado, this blog is not to be taken as direct mental health or medical advice. Please consult your mental health and/or medical professionals with any questions pertaining to your specific situation.)

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