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zina mercil
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Sharing what's hard (real-ationships part 2)

3/21/2016

4 Comments

 
Let’s face it, unless we’re in complete remission/recovery forever and not in a relationship at all, we’re probably going to be going through some sort of set-back/relapse/diagnosis process at some point while also being in a relationship. 
 
And it’s hard. 
 
In my experience my illness/diagnosis bonded us, but also took a toll on my relationship,. When I was diagnosed I had periods of feeling closer in my relationship: like we were a team, like we were beating this together, like if we can make it through this, we can make it through anything. It was the experience of bonding through trauma. 
 
And then came the moments where I felt anger, resentment, shame:
No, I’m not healthy yet (will I ever be healthy?). Stop expecting me to be on a different timeline than I am. I don’t know how long it’s going to take to be normal.
No, I still don’t want to have sex. I don’t know if I ever will.
You know what, you don’t even get me anymore. This relationship is broken.
 
I’m a different person now then when we met.  
 
We all do the best that we can.  Maybe we grow closer together, and maybe we grow farther apart, and there’s also a  whole realm of combo deals out there as well.  There are as many scenarios as there are facets to relationship. 
 
Main point: when things happen to us personally the person we’re in a relationship with takes the most direct hit. Diagnosis in not fair to anyone in the relationship.
 
We want to protect each other from the pain we’re in, from the fear of our own and each other’s mortality, from the reality of the truth. So we stay quiet. As much as this is a noble cause we also miss out on support, and being seen in our pain.   
 
So if you want to be in a real-ationship, my encouragement is to keep communicating.  The harder it gets to be honest about the pain you’re in: be brave and share it.  It’s only going to be worse if you’re holding it in and not sharing, and both people feel isolated and unseen in the relationship.  Hard things, are, well, they’re hard to share. Sometimes impossible. But we have to take each other along on the journey if we want to stay together and grow. If we want a real-ationship. 
 
So what would happen if the things that you think you can’t share about your medical experience, you actually chose to share? 
 
And what would happen if at the same time you could trust your partner to let you know when they need a break from talking about it, and that you’ll come back to it, but you don’t take it personally?
 
This gives everyone an opportunity to be with each other in a crisis when we need each other the most, with enough space to deal with their own issues.  That’s part of one definition of compassion: having all the love in the world, but with a little bit of space. 
 
Everyone gets to be responsible for their own experience, and also be deeply loved. We get both autonomy and support. We get to rock each other to sleep.
 
But, here’s the trick: it’s a practice, and it can feel hard, scary, and vulnerable… but at the end of the day do you want to be in a real-ationship or not? 
 
If so, get brave, and get sharing.   

Does this seem true for you? Comment below:
4 Comments
wayne
3/21/2016 06:30:56 pm

it was sure true for me when i was diagnosed first at age 55 after after 28 years of marriage. 10 years into the diagnosis and 38 years into our marriage, communication is still so vital. she often feels helpless. i'm pretty sure she gets pretty frustrated, too. i get discouraged; she has her own issues, too. we worry and talk about the future a lot! i'm so grateful we had so much experience together as a resource. can't imagine how "newer" relationships survive serious diagnoses.

Reply
Zina
3/21/2016 10:42:31 pm

Thanks Wayne for sharing how you can relate... for me the newer relationship survived the impact of it, but then withered over time, as did our communication (hard to know how much was the diagnosis and how much was just us- they become intertwined). So stressful. So so stressful. I am glad you both talk a lot. That is my priority now. Thanks for the inspiration. Z

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Veronique link
3/26/2016 08:44:35 pm

When my now husband and I first met I already had a debilitating chronic illness. But there was something special we saw in one another.

We dated for 4 years before getting married and there was much to work through. I wondered then how important the capacity to communicate was compared to other things in a partner. It has turned out to be the greatest gift and the most important resource.

It's hard work living with daily, limiting physical symptoms and as you so aptly describe, Zina, - it's hard for everyone. Working with things as they show up has been very powerful for both of us, just as you suggest. It's certainly been very challenging at times. The good news is that it's gotten easier over the years and we've both grown from it so much, not only myself.

The process of being in relationship has also helped me to begin to heal from old patterns I couldn't see when I was on my own. It's going on 9 years now (5 years married!) and my health is slowly improving too.

It has required being brave, for sure. Being real has turned out to help me experience more connection than I ever realized was possible. It's also helped me befriend myself and do a better job of befriending my chronic illness too along the way. So many gifts and surprises come from being real :-)

Reply
Zina
3/27/2016 10:55:28 am

So much gratitude for what you wrote here Veronique of your own experience with chronic illness, relationship, and both of your relationship to illness. I don't know how at this point I could live without communication and my own commitment as well as my partner's to what's real, and the intention and impact of it all. Thanks for the inspiration and validating growing in relationship with illness (and health!) as a backdrop. XO Z

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    Zina is a body-oriented psychotherapist, passionate about using her own experience of life-altering medical setbacks to inspire others to look at the meaning and interpretation of illness, and everyday life.

    ABOUT THIS BLOG

    Here’s the deal: I’m going to share parts of my experience, and you get to ask yourself the question “Does this feel true for me?” If it adds some humor, insight, or inspiration for your life situation, and I truly hope it does, then great! If it doesn’t, that’s okay too- just take what may be meaningful and let go of the rest. We’re both similar in our humanity, and unique in our experiences. There's room for it all. 
     
    (Though I am a LPCC therapist in the State of Colorado, this blog is not to be taken as direct mental health or medical advice. Please consult your mental health and/or medical professionals with any questions pertaining to your specific situation.)

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