Bittersweet ~ Authentic ~ Inspiring
zina mercil
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the ugly cry.

4/5/2016

6 Comments

 
Yesterday I wept. That’s a poetic way of saying I was a messy, snotty, sobbing, ugly crier. I lost all of my skills… you know, those tools I’ve creatively, consciously, willingly and willfully, through blood, sweat, and tears, cultivated over the past 12 years in an effort to relearn how to interact with myself and the world in a more healthy way.

And then in less than 24 hours I watched the sedatives from the hospital and my physical pain let them slip through my hands like water that flowed, swirled, and gurgled while laughing at me, down the drain. Which, of course, is totally normal.
 
But, I am sad to say that I said things that were hurtful to the person caretaking me with the most compassion, heart, and beautiful selfless, detail imaginable.
 
I said: Stop worrying about me, I’m fine. You don’t think you can leave me alone because I’ll fall down the stairs and kill myself? I’m not a baby. You’re freaking out and it’s stressing me out. I can’t be stressed out because I’ll be sicker, and now it hurts more. Don’t’ you trust me, Do you think I'm an idiot. You think I have to call the hospital now? Why, because who said, some pharmacist? I’m fine. FINE. STOP FREAKING OUT …
 
…only I… can’t… breath… tears, snot, sob sob sob.
 
It took me a minute to realize that even though that’s what I said, what I actually meant was:
Note to self- STOP FREAKING OUT!!!
I'm scared.
I’m attacking you about being worried, because I’m the one that's worried. 
This isn’t fair.
It sucks.
I’m in pain.
What did I do to deserve this?
I want to go off by myself, and suffer, and come back when I’m “better”
  • So that I can protect you from feeling pain
  • So that I can protect you from being scared, looking at yourself, and having to see your own mortality
  • So I can protect you from thinking that you may lose me one day
  • So that I can protect you from me
I’m so sorry.
You don’t’ deserve this.
No parent, partner, friend, lover, community, deserves this, deserves dealing with me.
 
So, let’s face it, the only skill left to me after my emotional deconstruction was that of repair. Of saying I’m sorry. Of trying to take responsibility … to de-vomit what I had spewed-out in a dramatic rewind, and let you know that I’m aware that this is actually mine.
 
Chemicals and pain aren’t an excuse to hurt those we love. But it happens anyway. So maybe what’s left is trying to repair it with, hopefully, the willingness, compassion, and heart of the other party. Sometimes it’s such a relief to be human and messy and unskillful, and sometimes it is so hard to do that without a sense of entitlement. Like I can hurt you because I’m being authentic right now. Some kind of contempt of being so fabulously “vulnerable.” How do we give ourselves the permission and relief to be an unskillful mess, while also not intentionally bulldozing over the people we love the most... and when we do, have self-compassion and repair it? I don’t know that I have an answer to that yet... maybe it's something about acceptance that it will happen, love for ourselves when it does, and hope that we can have a conversation about it.. I know I’m doing my best with deep gratitude to the people that love me enough to say, ya, you fucked up, you hurt me, but I love you anyway. I’m still here and I still want this relationship.
 
So take a breath and give yourself some love right now, because we’re all trying our best to figure this out, together through fear, snot, pain, and relationship. 

Thoughts? Comment below:
6 Comments
Susan
4/5/2016 12:21:35 pm

I love this! Every week, your blog touches something going on with me. Thank you!

Reply
Zina
4/5/2016 02:05:20 pm

Thank you so much for sharing the impact for you- truly appreciated, and I am so glad to hear it! Here's to a big ugly cry! XO

Reply
Barb
4/5/2016 08:59:16 pm

Your insights are amazing and beautiful and touching and humbling. I so wish you didn't have to experience what you're experiencing in spite of the learning that is coming from it. Sending much love and many healing wishes

Reply
Zina
4/6/2016 02:06:25 pm

Thank you for your continued support, and I am glad that you can resonate with what I shared... feeling a sense of community in the normalization is the greatest gift of my experience and learning from it. XO

Reply
wayne
4/6/2016 06:23:58 pm

so much anger is fear. of course, for men crying is not the first option when we're really scared and tired and hurt real bad--it's always anger. it's how we're raised. i'm learning to cry. i appreciate your saying how hard it is to just be a mess sometimes. it's encouraging to me.

Reply
Zina
4/7/2016 08:13:35 am

Thanks for sharing from the male perspective... And I think there are more and more women going to anger and rage as well. Crying is so vulnerable, especially to be seen in it. I cry less these days, but when I do, watch out! Thanks for your appreciations and support. XO

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    Author

    Zina is a body-oriented psychotherapist, passionate about using her own experience of life-altering medical setbacks to inspire others to look at the meaning and interpretation of illness, and everyday life.

    ABOUT THIS BLOG

    Here’s the deal: I’m going to share parts of my experience, and you get to ask yourself the question “Does this feel true for me?” If it adds some humor, insight, or inspiration for your life situation, and I truly hope it does, then great! If it doesn’t, that’s okay too- just take what may be meaningful and let go of the rest. We’re both similar in our humanity, and unique in our experiences. There's room for it all. 
     
    (Though I am a LPCC therapist in the State of Colorado, this blog is not to be taken as direct mental health or medical advice. Please consult your mental health and/or medical professionals with any questions pertaining to your specific situation.)

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